Today, I’m coming to you with some pain in real time.
Those keeping up with my fertility journey may know that I’m up to four consecutive pregnancy losses.
It breaks my heart to say that that number appears to be on its way up.
Waiting For Miscarriage
I got a big fat positive pregnancy test about one week ago.
At work, mind you!
I had been experiencing dramatic mood swings and tender breasts and then at work one day, my nose started running and I started sneezing and couldn’t stop.
I know you’re thinking that there’s no way that can be a pregnancy symptom. I wouldn’t have thought so either but two months prior, I had had the same sudden nasal dripping and sneezing symptoms and I was pregnant (it ended before 6 weeks). Super weird right?
So when those symptoms started, I couldn’t wait.
I bought a pregnancy test at lunchtime and took the test in the bathroom and sure enough- big fat positive.
Usually I don’t even let myself get excited this early but for this pregnancy, I did.
I was hopeful because I felt like I had cracked the code.
My doctor and I (I think mostly me) were starting to look at progesterone as the cause of all my pregnancy losses.
So the same day I got the positive test, I rushed to the lab and had my HCG and progesterone measured.
The progesterone level came back low (the level was 5) so I was prescribed progesterone suppositories to start using the same day.
I felt like we had finally nailed the problem.
Low progesterone + progesterone supplementation = fixed. Right?
Now you can see why I was completely taken unawares when 4 days later, I got a call from the nurse telling me that my repeat HCG level hadn’t doubled (it had only gone up by 40 after 4 whole days).
You see, if your HCG isn’t doubling every 2 days, your pregnancy isn’t viable.
That call was basically a death sentence.
I am essentially just waiting for miscarriage to manifest itself.
Let me tell you, there is a level of resentment that develops for your own body when you go through a process like this one.
Simply put, my body is a failure and it just can’t seem to get this thing (which most other people get) right!
(If you’re Nigerian, you might imagine our mothers saying to the uterus “can’t you see your mates growing babies successfully? Do they have two heads?” lol).
The very sight of my period every month makes me want to slap Mother Nature or at least someone named Aunt Flo.
What’s more, in this particular case, I know I will miscarry before my body does! The numbers are clear!
This pregnancy isn’t viable and yet my breasts are still tender and my uterus has yet to bleed.
How have you not realized that you have failed?
As I engaged in this mental bullying of my own body, a different stream of thought began to sneak in.
A Different Perspective
I read something the other day where someone said we should be thankful for how hard our bodies work to protect us.
We are largely oblivious of most of the things that our bodies do to protect us from environmental and even internal threats.
Our body is constantly constantly correcting abnormalities and resetting things into balance and we take all of it for granted.
And as I think about it, that’s exactly what I’ve been sitting here doing.
Looking at this whole saga through another lens, my body is grinding, striving, working as hard as possible to MAINTAIN this pregnancy even though the numbers pretty much say it is doomed.
This body gave rise to yet another pregnancy despite the many failures that we have had.
This body has resisted the scarring and inflammation of endometriosis to even get pregnant in the first place!
And when I think of it that way, how dare I call it foolish?
Especially while other women struggle with complete infertility and find it hard to even conceive after years of trying.
So what I have to say instead is….
Thank you body.
Thank you for being relentless.
Thank you for being hopeful.
Thank you for being extremely resilient.
Thank you for trying and trying even when the odds and the unknown seem to be stacked up against us.
I don’t give you enough credit but one day me and my children will thank you.
to keep up with this fertility journey