Relationships / Marriage

65 Funny Quotes About Marriage That Every Couple Will Understand

This post is a list of funny quotes about marriage.

65 funny quotes about marriage
65 Funny Quotes About Marriage

Have you ever heard that a couple who LAUGHS TOGETHER stays together? Turns out that laughter is more important in a relationship than we all thought. According to this study, the presence of laughter indicates a healthy relationship.

With that knowledge, these funny quotes about marriage are basically my forever anniversary gift to you (ha!)

Check out these quotes if you want to laugh or if you’re looking to spice up a wedding toast or social media post.

Funny Quotes On Marriage

1. “When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years-we were on the freeway at the time” – Joan Rivers

2. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner” —Jerry Seinfeld

3. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

4. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce” – Joyce Brothers

5. “Marriage is just like a walk in the park. JURASSIC PARK” – Anonymous

6. “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means” – Henny Youngman

7. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you” —Megan Mullally

8. “Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred” – Anonymous

a poster showing a grooms and brides shoes and saying "marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred" by anonymous

9. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way” – Henry Youngman

10. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury” – Groucho Marx

11. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her” – Agatha Christie

12. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up” – Ogden Nash

13. “My wife was afraid of the dark … then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” —Rodney Dangerfield

14. “The desire to get married is a basic and primal instinct in women. It’s followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again” – Nora Ephron

15. “As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse” – Dave Barry

16. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war” – G.K. Chesterton

17. “I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.” —Steve Skrovan

18. “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status” – Anonymous

19. “My wife loves me, wants to trust me, but she thinks I’m fooling around on her in my own home, while we’re in it. The thing she asks me most is ‘Where’re you going?’ I get up to get a cookie, ‘Where are you going?,’ just roll over in bed, ‘Where are you going?’ Two o’clock in the morning, getting out of bed in my underwear she’ll pop up out of a sleep, ‘Where are you going?’ ‘Where am I going? To have sex with a midget I stored in the medicine cabinet, where do you think I’m going?'” – Tom Papa

20. “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen… What a relief it is to find that the thief spends less than my wife” – Anonymous

21. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his Birthday” – Cindy Garner

22. “I love you more than I hate everything else” – Rainbow Rowell, Landline

a poster with a kissing couple with a funny marriage quote that says I love you more than I hate everything else

23. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops” – Henry Youngman

24. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes” – Anonymous

25. “Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms” – Anonymous

26. “Why buy the cow? Maybe because every day the cow asks you when you’re going to buy it. And you live in a really small apartment with the cow and you can’t avoid that question at all. Also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are … But for real, why buy the cow? Let’s be real. Why buy the cow? Because you love her. You really do.” –John Mullaney

27. “My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate” —Jim Gaffigan 

28. “Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” —Ray Barone

29. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears” – Sigmund Freud 

30. “I married for love. But the obvious side effect of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” – tweet by Cameron Esposito

31. “Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.” – Anonymous

32. “We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” – Movie (So I Married an Axe Murderer)

33. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

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34. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

35. “I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.” – tweet by Jessica Valenti

36. “There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will” – Robert Frost

37. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” – Milton Berle

38. “Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.” – Anonymous

39. “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider

40. “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” – Phyllis Schlafly

41. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin

42. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” – Rita Rudner

43. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat & I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” – tweet by Stephanie Ortiz

44. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash

45. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

46. “I always have a note in my pocket that says ‘John did it’ just in case I’m murdered because I don’t want him to remarry.” – tweet by Chrissy Teigen

47. “If my mother wanted to tell my father something during the game she had a better chance of him hearing if she bought a ticket and went down there and held up a banner in the stands.” – Ray Romano

48. “Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.” —Movie (Forget Paris)

49. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand

50. “The relationship between husband & wife is very psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical. Now please don’t try to figure out Who is Who.” – Anonymous

a poster with interlocked fingers saying "never laugh at your wife's choices. you are one of them"

51. “Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.” – Anonymous

52. “By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

53. “Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.” – James Garner

54. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house”. – Anonymous

55. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

56. “A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it” – Anonymous

57. “Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t even listening.” – Anonymous

58. “My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan.” – Leopold Fetchner

a poster with a quote about. wife who got a "made in Taiwan" ring for Valentine's Day

59. “The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Coleridge

60. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

61. “My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station” – Anonymous 

62. “Marriages don’t work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable. Marriage is about both people being equally miserable.” —Movie (Forget Paris)

63. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” – George Bernard Shaw

64. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! – Anonymous

65. “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks; it looks easy until you try it,” – Helen Rowland

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